Hello! My name is Amelia, and I am 36 (as of this writing in 2022 at least...). I am genderfluid, and my pronouns are they/them and she/her. I am happily married to, and quite monogamous with, a wonderful woman who has been incredibly supportive and instrumental in helping me find my way in terms of coming to understand my gender identity.
If I had to write myself an origin story, it would probably sound pretty familiar to many others like me. A curiosity for feminine clothing in my preteens...the sneaking around to swipe a sister's or cousin's clothes, the confusion of raging teenage hormones, and a whole lot of shame. It would be a long time before I started to seriously explore the meaning behind it all.
Looking back, I never quite "fit in with the boys" so to speak. I recall early in life my close friends were girls. Sure I had one or two guy friends, but I always had an easier time making friends with girls (although when it came to romance I was just as awkward as the cheesiest romcom you can think of!).
In my mid 20s, I finally found myself living in a place where I had some privacy to do more than borrow clothes...I was able to buy my own. A skirt, a cheap wig, some lipstick. It wasn't much in those early days, as I dabbled and occasionally posted a poorly cropped or heavily filtered picture on reddit. Anyone who has ever done so knows, the positive attention you get, while mostly from people with less than savory motivations, is quite exhilarating, but mostly hollow. You'll also know that the negative attention you get can be quite hurtful.
Purging was a repeat occurrence for me. I went through several waves of heightened interest in exploring my femininity, and severe dry spells where I would want nothing to do with it. There's a lot of shame and confusion in those dark days spent in the closet...and it can take a long time to realize that there really is nothing wrong with you.
Eventually I got there...though I wish it had been sooner. One regret is that I didn't have the courage to tell my wife until after we were already married. Fortunately for me, I picked right when I married her. When I finally told my wife, as confused and shocked as she was...she made it an absolute priority to let me know that I was safe, and that I was loved.
We've come quite a ways since then...I came out to her in November of 2020. Since then we've gone through hard conversations, some counseling, learning the art that is male-to-female makeup, lots of shopping trips, amazing experiences meeting new friends, and so much more! I speak for both of us when I say that this whole experience has only brought us closer together, and more in love.
My online presence isn't quite what it was, as I've scaled back a bit for my own mental wellbeing, but I am still around on Instagram (@finding_worth) and in the CrossYAAS discord (finding_worth #6893). If you find yourself in a situation similar to my story and need someone to talk to, please reach out!
Thank you Amelia for telling your story. It is VERY similar to my own. I am also married and have a very loving caring wife who has allowed me to pursue my life as Nicole. I have been taking hormones for several years but have not been able to come out as 100% as Nicole for a variety of reasons. It weighs heavy on me.
ReplyDeleteJennifer Marie 😉
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