Always evolving (by Steph Francs)

Hi, my name is Steph. I’m a genderfluid human under the trans spectrum living in Arizona with my very supportive spouse. Today is 3/31/2022. This day happens to be Transgender Day of Visibility and I want to share my story.

From a young age, maybe 5 or 6, I started trying on what was considered by society the "wrong clothes". I had a lot of gender curiosities at that same time and remembered multiple times when I wished I were born a girl. I inquired about it with my parents and was quickly shot down with the idea of shame that boys were not supposed to like things that girls liked, such as certain toys, colors, clothes, and makeup. I didn’t understand but to them, no matter what, boys had to do boy things and girls had to do girl things. And there was no crossing of those lines. I often wondered, if I can’t express how I feel inside, what am I doing here? So, I somehow learned how to suppress it, and knowing what I know now, that was not a healthy thing to be doing. As a result, I grew up with a “secret” that only I knew and quickly realized because of so-called societal norms I would have to be the only one that could ever know. In retrospect it affected me socially as well. I was afraid to show my emotions and never really became close with anyone, including family members. And I was shy and terrified of speaking in large groups because I thought someone would see right through me and figure out my secret.

I went on with life carrying that secret for decades but continuing to try feminine articles of clothing and fingernail polish when the opportunity presented itself, and when I knew I wouldn’t get caught. In my twenties I started experimenting with a little more than just single articles of clothing. I found myself acquiring more items to where I eventually had a full outfit with makeup and a wig. All securely hidden away from my then spouse. At that time in my life, that spouse was travelling a lot so I started having lots of free time to hone my craft, until one night I finally discovered how it felt to see and be the whole package. That night Steph was born, but I still didn’t know it until much later. That night I took my time with my makeup, put on my outfit, put on heels, and then put on my wig. When I hesitantly looked into the mirror I literally gasped. Staring back at me was a pretty girl! And more importantly I felt pretty, and it was one of the most euphoric moments in my life. I thought, “how could something that felt so good be considered wrong”? I started asking myself “who am I, and what is it that I am doing? am I a crossdresser? am I just a female impersonator”? I didn’t know too much about the trans world and what that meant so I figured that was not who I was. So, I decided that I would label myself a crossdresser because I thought I could turn it off whenever I wanted. But I couldn’t, and I desired to share it with someone. I was proud of how I looked and how I felt. But instead, I was too afraid to share it and I continued to enjoy it secretly over the years. And every so often, the dark feeling of shame would show itself and I would end up purging my items. Multiple times. I sometimes went years trying to suppress the urge to dress but the urge was always there.

In my late 30s I had then been divorced, met someone else, and we moved to a new state together. I knew I was going to ask her to marry me so I quickly realized I needed to share this secret before that happened. It was the right thing to do and something I did not do in the prior marriage. I started dropping hints and we started having small conversations about it. I still thought it was crossdressing and just a little hobby of mine and she was okay with that but didn’t participate and never asked to see any pictures of me. Somewhere around age 44 I decided I wanted to fully share it with her. I was extremely nervous but finally asked if I could show her some pictures. She said yes and even said I looked good. That boosted my confidence to feel supported but I continued to dress on my own and would just show her pictures. One day around that time I decided to open a social media account all about Steph but kept it hidden from the public and slowly started friending others like me. I would never show my face and I eventually felt I was not being authentic so I became a little more comfortable and open with my posts. I received lots of support and eventually began to feel like I just didn’t care who saw me so I went public, on multiple sites. 

I’ve been public for years now and have even used my social media accounts as an ice-breaking tool to come out to friends and family. In turn that has also boosted my confidence. I evolved over the next 5 years by reading and listening to everything I could get my hands on about gender related subjects and finally realized it was definitely more than just crossdressing. I was genderfluid under the Trans spectrum.

I’ve never really had a desire to fully transition to become a woman so I sought medical help to see if I could get my exterior to align with my interior. After a visit to meet with a Trans specialist and answering her questions she quickly realized that I could benefit from micro-dosing HRT. I came home and discussed it with my spouse and had a few conversations over the next month and we agreed that I should start. I’ve been on HRT now since July 2021. I just turned 50 last November and I feel better than ever. I now view my social media presence as a vehicle to provide visibility and awareness and I even get the opportunity to answer questions from young people that are at a point in their lives where I once was, and questioning if it will ever get better. And that is one of my favorite parts of it.

I would not be where I am now, mentally or physically without the support of my spouse, my family, and my good friends that know about Steph. I am grateful to all of them and extremely lucky to have them in my life.

Thank you for reading. And if you ever have questions or want to talk, feel free to reach out. You can find me in lots of places. Mostly on IG @steph_refreshed

8/18/2024 Update...Lots of things have changed as I read what I wrote over 2 years ago. So I thought I'd write a quick update. I am now 52, fully transitioning, and living life as a woman. I'm still with my supportive spouse and I love her and myself even more these days.